Or maybe I am.
I'm talking about the voices and attitudes that I've been hearing in my mind recently.
"Busyness, accomplishments, and others' encouragement express my worthiness."
"Facebook posts, emails, and calls from friends or compliments from students means that I am accepted by them."
"I need a mentor to answer my questions about situations in my life and give me guidance."
"If I work for my friend's company, I will be financially secure even while serving as a volunteer teacher (or as a grad student) and I won't have to do a thing."
"To rejuvenate from being around people all the time, I simply need to relax by getting online or going to bed early, maybe even reading Scripture."
"Going to a conference or meetings, helping with teams, working on missions-type things, means that I am REALLY a missionary."
Maybe some of these aren't completely false or sinful, but they reflect prideful, individualistic attitudes that do not emphasize Christ in me. Lately I have been reading the book "Lies Young Women Believe," and have been thinking about the attitudes I hold. Perhaps the voices could be reworded to show the underlying lies--like this:
"Going to a conference or meetings, helping with teams, working on missions-type things, means that I am REALLY a missionary." My identity as a missionary is based on what I do rather than God's purpose of redemption in this world and how He chooses to use us.
A few weeks ago, my roommate and I stayed in the house we lived in last year in order to babysit that family's children. That was actually when I began writing this post, and am just now publishing it. That is not to say that once I identified some of these lies in my life, I was able to combat them and now I am EXTREMELY close to God. No. I recognize these attitudes in my life as not being Christlike, but God's not finished with me yet. I'm a work in progress, and He's still got some transforming to do in my life. :)
Now, one of the things God is teaching me is about trusting Him first. Jesus has promised to be with us always. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He holds everything together.
So often, when there is something going on in my life, I ponder it to myself, talk to my friends/mentors, THEN pray and seek God about it. We all know the "Sunday school answer" is to trust God first, and although this is the most basic, it's the hardest to put into practice.
He has my best interests in mind. All things are for His glory, for drawing me closer to Christ, and for refining/defining my faith in Him.
God is good, and He can be trusted.