The Voices in My Head

No, I'm not talking about auditory hallucinations.

Or maybe I am.

I'm talking about the voices and attitudes that I've been hearing in my mind recently.

"Busyness, accomplishments, and others' encouragement express my worthiness."

"Facebook posts, emails, and calls from friends or compliments from students means that I am accepted by them."

"I need a mentor to answer my questions about situations in my life and give me guidance."

"If I work for my friend's company, I will be financially secure even while serving as a volunteer teacher (or as a grad student) and I won't have to do a thing."

"To rejuvenate from being around people all the time, I simply need to relax by getting online or going to bed early, maybe even reading Scripture."

"Going to a conference or meetings, helping with teams, working on missions-type things, means that I am REALLY a missionary."

Maybe some of these aren't completely false or sinful, but they reflect prideful, individualistic attitudes that do not emphasize Christ in me.  Lately I have been reading the book "Lies Young Women Believe," and have been thinking about the attitudes I hold.  Perhaps the voices could be reworded to show the underlying lies--like this:

"Busyness, accomplishments, and others' encouragement express my worthiness."  My value as a person is determined by what I do and by what other people say about me rather than by God's grace, love, and words spoken in Scripture or shown by Christ.

"Facebook posts, emails, and calls from friends or compliments from students means that I am accepted by them."  Approval from others is more important than God's approval.

"I need a mentor to answer my questions about situations in my life and give me guidance." Listening to others is easier than learning to listen to God's voice, because they are right in front of me.

"If I work for my friend's company, I will be financially secure even while serving as a volunteer teacher (or as a grad student) and I won't have to do a thing."  I can earn money simply to save it away for the future, and not to give it away.  

"To rejuvenate from being around people all the time, I simply need to relax by getting online or going to bed early, maybe even reading Scripture."  These are "easy" fixes that seem to address being "peopled-out", but don't address my foundational need for a deep relationship with Christ.

"Going to a conference or meetings, helping with teams, working on missions-type things, means that I am REALLY a missionary."  My identity as a missionary is based on what I do rather than God's purpose of redemption in this world and how He chooses to use us.

A few weeks ago, my roommate and I stayed in the house we lived in last year in order to babysit that family's children.  That was actually when I began writing this post, and am just now publishing it.  That is not to say that once I identified some of these lies in my life, I was able to combat them and now I am EXTREMELY close to God.  No.  I recognize these attitudes in my life as not being Christlike, but God's not finished with me yet.  I'm a work in progress, and He's still got some transforming to do in my life.  :)

Now, one of the things God is teaching me is about trusting Him first.  Jesus has promised to be with us always.  He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He holds everything together.

So often, when there is something going on in my life, I ponder it to myself, talk to my friends/mentors, THEN pray and seek God about it.   We all know the "Sunday school answer" is to trust God first, and although this is the most basic, it's the hardest to put into practice.

He has my best interests in mind.  All things are for His glory, for drawing me closer to Christ, and for refining/defining my faith in Him.

God is good, and He can be trusted.

Behind my back or always before me?

The past two Sundays, we've sung this song in church.

Безусловно возлюбил Ты меня
Привёл в Свой мир
Твой покой во мне
И с Тобой ушёл весь страх


Всем людям рассказать Твою историю
Я был призван Тобою
Был призван Тобою
Что отдана вся жизнь Твоим обещаньям
Я ведь не скрою. Я не скрою


Верю я в Тебя, Иисус
До края земли
Я пойду за Тобой
Я пойду за Тобой


Ведь Ты один Святый Божий Сын
Увидит целый мир, Что Ты мой Бог
Что Ты мой Бог.

Okay, that meant nothing to most of you.  You probably skipped right over it.  Today in the MS/HS chapel, we sang it in English!

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all you are


And I would give the world to tell your story 
'Cause I know that you've called me
I know that you've called me
I've lost myself for good within your promise
And I won't hide it
I won't hide it 


Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God

Pastor Vova preached on Matthew 16:21-23 this past week, primarily the part where Jesus said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan!"  He said Jesus recognized the "voice" of Satan, trying to tempt Jesus and distract him from following God's will.

This week, in my one-year Bible plan, I have been reading through Ezekiel (lots of gloom and doom), and 23:35 stuck out to me.  God chastises Israel and Judah, saying "You have forgotten me and thrust me behind your back."  In other words, they have put themselves first, and God is farther back in their priorities, even out of sight.

I have sung these song lyrics 3 times now -- am I singing the truth from my heart?  It's a matter of priorities, of loving God with ALL my being, and loving others as I love myself.  What will I give to the world to tell God's story of redemption?  Will I give up my friendships, others' opinions of myself, familiarity and comfort (even if it is another language, or hiding behind a screen), acceptance from peers?

I want my identity to be wrapped up in the fact that I am a child of God, created in God's image, loved by God.  So much of how I think or perceive myself is based on others.  What God's been teaching me lately, or at least what I keep hearing, is to put Him first, to allow Him to satisfy any loneliness I have, to put others' needs before mine.

Psalm 116

  I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; 
   he heard my cry for mercy. 
Because he turned his ear to me, 
   I will call on him as long as I live.
  The cords of death entangled me, 
   the anguish of the grave came over me; 
   I was overcome by distress and sorrow. 
Then I called on the name of the LORD: 
   “LORD, save me!”


  The LORD is gracious and righteous; 
   our God is full of compassion. 
The LORD protects the unwary; 
   when I was brought low, he saved me.


  Return to your rest, my soul, 
   for the LORD has been good to you.


  For you, LORD, have delivered me from death, 
   my eyes from tears, 
   my feet from stumbling, 
that I may walk before the LORD 
   in the land of the living.


  I trusted in the LORD when I said, 
   “I am greatly afflicted”; 
in my alarm I said, 
   “Everyone is a liar.”


  What shall I return to the LORD 
   for all his goodness to me?


  I will lift up the cup of salvation 
   and call on the name of the LORD. 
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD 
   in the presence of all his people.


  Precious in the sight of the LORD 
   is the death of his faithful servants. 
Truly I am your servant, LORD; 
   I serve you just as my mother did; 
   you have freed me from my chains.


  I will sacrifice a thank offering to you 
   and call on the name of the LORD. 
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD 
   in the presence of all his people, 
in the courts of the house of the LORD— 
   in your midst, Jerusalem.


   Praise the LORD.

It is the Lord Jesus Christ who "unbreaks" us and makes us whole again.  Through His grace and presence, we can be whole again.  It's not a matter of our effort, but of allowing His presence to shape our lives.

Thoughts on John 8

Lately I have been reading a book called "Why Not Women? A Fresh Look at Scripture on Women in Missions, Ministry, and Leadership."  One of the co-authors is Loren Cunningham of Youth with a Mission (YWAM).

Thus far in the book, the authors have discussed the cultural perspectives of ancient Greek, ancient Rome, and many Jewish rabbis within Judaism.  I'm in the section right now that discusses how Jesus broke down these standards.

Among other stories from the Gospels, the authors discuss the story of the woman caught in adultery--you can read it in John 8.  Here's a short summary.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery, and reminded Jesus of the law that says to "stone such women."  Essentially, this was a trap they set for Jesus.


The next thing that Jesus does is to write on the ground with his finger.  We are not told what he wrote.  The people kept questioning him, so he replied, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."  Little by little, the people left, the older ones first.  When it was just Jesus and the woman, Jesus asked her, "Where are they? Has anyone condemned you?...Then neither do I condemn you.  Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:1-11)

Have you ever noticed the teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought only the WOMAN to Jesus?  What happened to the man?  As the author of this chapter states, "Can a woman commit adultery by herself?"

Yesterday, my friend and I were talking about this passage. Verse 9 says, "At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time..."  I'd always assumed "this" referred to Jesus' statement -- but the sentence immediately preceding verse 9 is Jesus writing on the ground again!  We wondered what Jesus could have written, since it doesn't say in the text.  What would've been powerful enough to send the people away?

Here's one possibility (which others may have already thought of).  The law the teachers/Pharisees were citing can be found in Leviticus 20:10 and Deuteronomy 22:22:  "If a man commits adultery with another man's wife -- with the wife of his neighbor -- both the adulterer and adulteress must be put to death" and "If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.  You must purge the evil from Israel."

What if Jesus was writing these passages from the Law of Moses?  Obviously the teachers of the law and the Pharisees had indeed found people committing adultery, but they let the man go.  By holding this double standard, they were guilty themselves of not upholding the Law of Moses.  Jesus could have been showing them that they too were not following the Law of Moses, thereby sinning because they were not purging evil from their own hearts.  How many times have we pointed fingers of blame at others while failing to notice the sin in our own lives?

One other thought from this passage:  Jesus did not condemn this woman.  Rather, he offered her a second chance and a command to leave her life of sin.  When we are convicted of sin in our lives, Jesus offers a chance to turn to Him and walk in his ways instead of the ways of sin.  This is a step by step journey, as I have been learning recently--it's about choices we make each and every day.  Yes, there are times when Jesus instantly and completely changes our desires or attitudes, but often there are times when we need to practice a humble Christ-like attitude, self-control in our actions and thoughts, love toward others, or think before we speak.  We cannot make these changes on our own, but it's the power of God's Spirit at work within us.

Praise God that he takes our brokenness and makes it beautiful!

Osama bin Laden is dead -- and there was much rejoicing?

I'm sure you have all read the headlines and heard about the crowd gathered by the White House to celebrate.

"Justice has been done," said the president in a dramatic late-night announcement at the White House.

Justice? What is the world's idea of justice?  This just makes me think that it's "eye for eye, tooth for tooth."  So many are REJOICING over the DEATH of someone -- but Christ is about life!  I want to dig deeper into the biblical understanding of justice. I'm certain that it does not include rejoicing over the death of a nonbeliever.

Here are some of my thoughts from just a few hours after hearing this news (all over Facebook).

I wasn't sure that they could know it was really his body, but my friend told me they confirmed it with DNA tests. 

Killing the leader of a terrorist organization isn't going to stop terrorism overnight.  That's like assassinating the president and expecting the country to fall to pieces immediately.  And it's not going to bring the dead soldiers back to life. 

President Obama's announcement has such an appeal to our emotions:  the imagery of 9/11, "empty seat at the dinner table," claiming to be the victims, and a sense of patriotic unity.  Maybe I'm a heretic, but this almost seems like propaganda.

This other part stuck out to me too:

So Americans understand the costs of war. Yet as a country, we will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been killed. We will be relentless in defense of our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. 

 Following Jesus usually includes some level of "threatened security."  Think of the believers in Central Asia, China, and Muslim countries, where believers can be killed for their faith.  This shows me that the American dream has gotten mixed into Christianity, where many value their comfort over following Christ.


Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live in a war state or dictatorship, and I understand that it is the military's role to defend the country.  What bothers me is this jubilation and patriotism stemming from a person's death.  bin Laden is (was) a human being just like any of us -- he laughed, he cried, he had family, he wrote poems (I just learned that today).

Recommended Reading: Tea with Hezbollah

Believe God's Truth when you struggle

The following is an excerpt from "The Other Side" of missions, a blog written by an MK from S. America.

I submit to you that mks are in a lot of trouble. God allows trials in our life that tend to be accompanied with troubles that we allow. We can find ourselves dwelling in caves of frustration, depression and loneliness because that trouble is carefully masked as believable lies. Read these and see if any sound familiar:

“I’m not at all what everyone in these churches think I am. I’m a horrible missionary kid and a terrible Christian.”
“I always seem to mess up and give a bad testimony to our people. Why even try to live this ministry-focused life?”
“Money is always tight. It’s my fault for asking for new books and new shoes.”
“No one seems to remember I exist when I am on the field. There must be something wrong with me.”
“I’ll never fit in. No one will ever want me. How in the world will anyone find me attractive when I’m so different?”

I could honestly go on and on. Where did I come up with those examples? Well, um, I have a cousin who has an aunt who knows a friend that has a sister that told me. Using Ps. 71:20-24 God opened my eyes to why He allows troubles to come and what He wants me to do with them. 

*God allows trials so I might rely on Him and recognize how helpless I truly am! Only He has the power to lift me out of my cave. Rather than resent the trials and troubles that sprinkle my life, I can rejoice in them as instruments that draw me closer to God. (vs. 20)
*God isn’t disgusted and repulsed by my needing Him. He loves it when I cry to Him! After He restores me and revives my heart, He blesses me beyond what I have known and He comforts me in a plethora of refreshing ways. It blows my mind that He would lovingly place trials in my path, give me the strength to grow through those trials, bless me even when I’m weak, and comfort me what I feel like I’ve made a mess of things! (vs. 21)
*The result of Him being God Almighty in my life is a daily praising of His name. What is the first thing listed that we praise God for? His Truth! As we are in times of trouble and testing, the devil will try to bring us down with his lies! (vs. 22)

Have you ever been there? In a cave infested with lies and doubts that leave you feeling exhausted, worthless, and empty? Being bombarded with lies is definitely seen as “trouble” in the Lord’s eyes! God helped me see that to defeat those lies I had to read the Truth and I had to believe it. (accept it as truth) If the Lord has shown you something that has helped you in this particular step, please pass it on!

I've realized lately that when I claim that I am left out of various gatherings (whether it's because I'm not in the US with my friends or because of some of the dynamics of life here) and dwell on this idea, it's actually because I am lonely and not turning to God like I should.  Dwelling on this idea that I am "out of the loop" just creates a pity party. 

God does and will deliver me from these lies, and I need to trust Him.

Child of Divorce, Child of God (part 2)

...continued from part one...

Chapter 3:  The Weight of the World
In this chapter, Steakley references another book called Between Two Worlds:  The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce to explain how children take on the task of straddling two worlds--not bridging a chasm, but juggling two (sometimes very) different home cultures.  These "home cultures" encompass not just the number of family members but also values, beliefs, disciplinary methods, financial resources, etc.

In "whole" families, the parents are responsible for meshing together their two different worlds, but in divorced families, this responsibility of "reconciling these differences" and "making sense of competing worldviews"(52) is left to the children.  Divorce means that children have to grow up quickly, which often means feeling like no one understands, taking care of themselves, and/or negotiating their parents' relationship(s).

Steakley reminds us that God is present in the midst of our "messy situations," and wants to lift/carry our burdens so we don't have to.  God redeems our lives, and is with us every step, telling us which way to go.

Chapter 4:  All You Need is Love (cue the Beatles' music)
"In order to really love someone, we have to know them well."  This chapter primarily deals with the thought that divorced children doubt that they will ever be loved or will be able to love others well--especially in the context of marriage.  Having experienced divorce and its aftereffects, children of divorce know that marriage is not to be taken lightly, and that it requires communication and work.

God has created us, and therefore knows us better than we know ourselves, and loves us anyway even with our "deepest and darkest secrets."  God shows us God's love in many different ways that we could notice if only we stop and pay attention.  Our identity is not "child of divorce" but "child of God", and that does not change with what we do or don't do, or our circumstances in life.  God loves us no matter what, and His love is the example we should strive to emulate.

...part three coming soon...

Child of Divorce, Child of God (part 1)

Lately I've been reading this book by Kristine Steakley, herself a child of divorce.  The subtitle is "A Journey of Hope and Healing," and the book is written from a Christian perspective.  Throughout the book, Steakley weaves together stories from her own experience as well as from others, and then points out lessons we can learn about the nature of God and how we can cling to God in the midst of pain.

On this blog, I'll share a few "nuggets" of wisdom from each chapter that apply to anyone, not just children from divorced families.  I'll also include some quotes from the book to give a glimpse of each chapter and to share these "nuggets" if they are too good to paraphrase!

Chapter 1:  The Trouble We Have Seen
This chapter introduces one of the premises of the whole book:  that children of divorce, however put-together they appear, are in actuality deeply affected by their parents' divorce.
Steakley reminds readers that God is aware of our pain--not wasting our tears but saving them in a bottle!--and is still walking beside us in the darkest of times.  We can trust in God's continual presence even when our prayers for relief from our problems do not seem to be answered.

*"As God heals our hearts, he can use our sorrows and our stories to bring healing into the lives of others" (31).  In my life, my desire is that God will shape me to reflect Christ more and use the circumstances of my life to draw people to Himself.

Chapter 2:  Faith(fulness) of Our Fathers
So many children of divorce have had their parents break promises -- not simply promises of "till death do us part"but broken expectations and hopes of what their childhood/family life would be like.  This leads to trust issues -- becoming vulnerable to others too easily or not opening up to others at all.  There is a juxtaposition between wanting to belong with others yet holding back and holding low expectations of relationships.

God doesn't disappoint, forget, or abandon us.  God doesn't change God's mind.  God is faithful to the work that He has promised to do in the world, and to follow through with the words God has spoken.

*God has been faithful all along, and just as Moses saw "where [God] just was" (37), we can look back and see how God has orchestrated the details of our lives.  God has been working not only in the past but in the present as well -- we must "practice the discipline of seeing God at work" (40).

...more chapters coming soon...

January 5

By the time this is posted, I will be somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean or Europe, on my way back to Kiev.

January 5 has been a significant day in my life for travel.  All right, maybe not "significant", because most of these times I've booked my own plane tickets.  Observe the following trends of what has happened on this date through the years in my life:

2004:  Returned from my first overseas trip, first missions trip, to Nicaragua.

2005:  I was a senior in high school, taking guitar class, among other things.  Nothing momentous there.

2006:  Left Boston on my way to Belize and Guatemala for a biology course.

2007:  Wolly Bible quiz meet.  Also, taking Human Exceptionalities as a J-term course, as a sophomore in college.

2008:  Was halfway (in time) between YIM trips to Mexico and Ukraine.

2009:  Began student teaching at Atlantic Middle School

2010:  Flew back to Ukraine after Christmas break

2011:  Flew back to Ukraine after Christmas break

Lord, when did we see you hungry?

The following is an anonymous twentieth-century Lutheran prayer from France, found in a book of prayers.


Lord, when did we see you hungry?

I was hungry and you were flying around the moon.
I was hungry and you told me to wait.
I was hungry and you formed a committee.
I was hungry and you talked about other things.

I was hungry and you told me:
“There is no reason.”
I was hungry
And you had bills to pay for weapons.
I was hungry and you told me:
“Now machines do that kind of work.”
I was hungry and you said:
“Law and order come first.”
I was hungry and you said:
“There are always poor people.”
I was hungry and you said:
“My ancestors were hungry too.”
I was hungry and you said:
“After age fifty, no one will hire you.”
I was hungry and you said:
“God helps those in need.”
I was hungry and you said:
“Sorry, stop by again tomorrow.”