Believe God's Truth when you struggle

The following is an excerpt from "The Other Side" of missions, a blog written by an MK from S. America.

I submit to you that mks are in a lot of trouble. God allows trials in our life that tend to be accompanied with troubles that we allow. We can find ourselves dwelling in caves of frustration, depression and loneliness because that trouble is carefully masked as believable lies. Read these and see if any sound familiar:

“I’m not at all what everyone in these churches think I am. I’m a horrible missionary kid and a terrible Christian.”
“I always seem to mess up and give a bad testimony to our people. Why even try to live this ministry-focused life?”
“Money is always tight. It’s my fault for asking for new books and new shoes.”
“No one seems to remember I exist when I am on the field. There must be something wrong with me.”
“I’ll never fit in. No one will ever want me. How in the world will anyone find me attractive when I’m so different?”

I could honestly go on and on. Where did I come up with those examples? Well, um, I have a cousin who has an aunt who knows a friend that has a sister that told me. Using Ps. 71:20-24 God opened my eyes to why He allows troubles to come and what He wants me to do with them. 

*God allows trials so I might rely on Him and recognize how helpless I truly am! Only He has the power to lift me out of my cave. Rather than resent the trials and troubles that sprinkle my life, I can rejoice in them as instruments that draw me closer to God. (vs. 20)
*God isn’t disgusted and repulsed by my needing Him. He loves it when I cry to Him! After He restores me and revives my heart, He blesses me beyond what I have known and He comforts me in a plethora of refreshing ways. It blows my mind that He would lovingly place trials in my path, give me the strength to grow through those trials, bless me even when I’m weak, and comfort me what I feel like I’ve made a mess of things! (vs. 21)
*The result of Him being God Almighty in my life is a daily praising of His name. What is the first thing listed that we praise God for? His Truth! As we are in times of trouble and testing, the devil will try to bring us down with his lies! (vs. 22)

Have you ever been there? In a cave infested with lies and doubts that leave you feeling exhausted, worthless, and empty? Being bombarded with lies is definitely seen as “trouble” in the Lord’s eyes! God helped me see that to defeat those lies I had to read the Truth and I had to believe it. (accept it as truth) If the Lord has shown you something that has helped you in this particular step, please pass it on!

I've realized lately that when I claim that I am left out of various gatherings (whether it's because I'm not in the US with my friends or because of some of the dynamics of life here) and dwell on this idea, it's actually because I am lonely and not turning to God like I should.  Dwelling on this idea that I am "out of the loop" just creates a pity party. 

God does and will deliver me from these lies, and I need to trust Him.

Child of Divorce, Child of God (part 2)

...continued from part one...

Chapter 3:  The Weight of the World
In this chapter, Steakley references another book called Between Two Worlds:  The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce to explain how children take on the task of straddling two worlds--not bridging a chasm, but juggling two (sometimes very) different home cultures.  These "home cultures" encompass not just the number of family members but also values, beliefs, disciplinary methods, financial resources, etc.

In "whole" families, the parents are responsible for meshing together their two different worlds, but in divorced families, this responsibility of "reconciling these differences" and "making sense of competing worldviews"(52) is left to the children.  Divorce means that children have to grow up quickly, which often means feeling like no one understands, taking care of themselves, and/or negotiating their parents' relationship(s).

Steakley reminds us that God is present in the midst of our "messy situations," and wants to lift/carry our burdens so we don't have to.  God redeems our lives, and is with us every step, telling us which way to go.

Chapter 4:  All You Need is Love (cue the Beatles' music)
"In order to really love someone, we have to know them well."  This chapter primarily deals with the thought that divorced children doubt that they will ever be loved or will be able to love others well--especially in the context of marriage.  Having experienced divorce and its aftereffects, children of divorce know that marriage is not to be taken lightly, and that it requires communication and work.

God has created us, and therefore knows us better than we know ourselves, and loves us anyway even with our "deepest and darkest secrets."  God shows us God's love in many different ways that we could notice if only we stop and pay attention.  Our identity is not "child of divorce" but "child of God", and that does not change with what we do or don't do, or our circumstances in life.  God loves us no matter what, and His love is the example we should strive to emulate.

...part three coming soon...

Child of Divorce, Child of God (part 1)

Lately I've been reading this book by Kristine Steakley, herself a child of divorce.  The subtitle is "A Journey of Hope and Healing," and the book is written from a Christian perspective.  Throughout the book, Steakley weaves together stories from her own experience as well as from others, and then points out lessons we can learn about the nature of God and how we can cling to God in the midst of pain.

On this blog, I'll share a few "nuggets" of wisdom from each chapter that apply to anyone, not just children from divorced families.  I'll also include some quotes from the book to give a glimpse of each chapter and to share these "nuggets" if they are too good to paraphrase!

Chapter 1:  The Trouble We Have Seen
This chapter introduces one of the premises of the whole book:  that children of divorce, however put-together they appear, are in actuality deeply affected by their parents' divorce.
Steakley reminds readers that God is aware of our pain--not wasting our tears but saving them in a bottle!--and is still walking beside us in the darkest of times.  We can trust in God's continual presence even when our prayers for relief from our problems do not seem to be answered.

*"As God heals our hearts, he can use our sorrows and our stories to bring healing into the lives of others" (31).  In my life, my desire is that God will shape me to reflect Christ more and use the circumstances of my life to draw people to Himself.

Chapter 2:  Faith(fulness) of Our Fathers
So many children of divorce have had their parents break promises -- not simply promises of "till death do us part"but broken expectations and hopes of what their childhood/family life would be like.  This leads to trust issues -- becoming vulnerable to others too easily or not opening up to others at all.  There is a juxtaposition between wanting to belong with others yet holding back and holding low expectations of relationships.

God doesn't disappoint, forget, or abandon us.  God doesn't change God's mind.  God is faithful to the work that He has promised to do in the world, and to follow through with the words God has spoken.

*God has been faithful all along, and just as Moses saw "where [God] just was" (37), we can look back and see how God has orchestrated the details of our lives.  God has been working not only in the past but in the present as well -- we must "practice the discipline of seeing God at work" (40).

...more chapters coming soon...

January 5

By the time this is posted, I will be somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean or Europe, on my way back to Kiev.

January 5 has been a significant day in my life for travel.  All right, maybe not "significant", because most of these times I've booked my own plane tickets.  Observe the following trends of what has happened on this date through the years in my life:

2004:  Returned from my first overseas trip, first missions trip, to Nicaragua.

2005:  I was a senior in high school, taking guitar class, among other things.  Nothing momentous there.

2006:  Left Boston on my way to Belize and Guatemala for a biology course.

2007:  Wolly Bible quiz meet.  Also, taking Human Exceptionalities as a J-term course, as a sophomore in college.

2008:  Was halfway (in time) between YIM trips to Mexico and Ukraine.

2009:  Began student teaching at Atlantic Middle School

2010:  Flew back to Ukraine after Christmas break

2011:  Flew back to Ukraine after Christmas break

Lord, when did we see you hungry?

The following is an anonymous twentieth-century Lutheran prayer from France, found in a book of prayers.


Lord, when did we see you hungry?

I was hungry and you were flying around the moon.
I was hungry and you told me to wait.
I was hungry and you formed a committee.
I was hungry and you talked about other things.

I was hungry and you told me:
“There is no reason.”
I was hungry
And you had bills to pay for weapons.
I was hungry and you told me:
“Now machines do that kind of work.”
I was hungry and you said:
“Law and order come first.”
I was hungry and you said:
“There are always poor people.”
I was hungry and you said:
“My ancestors were hungry too.”
I was hungry and you said:
“After age fifty, no one will hire you.”
I was hungry and you said:
“God helps those in need.”
I was hungry and you said:
“Sorry, stop by again tomorrow.”

Finishing

I want to be known as someone who finishes, and who finishes well.

For a simple example, I multi-task quite often, in an attempt to finish my tasks more quickly.  While working on my laundry (hanging it to dry or putting it away), I might listen to an audiobook or sermon podcast.  My internet browser frequently has tabs for Facebook, Gmail, and at least two other websites open at the same time, while Skype and iTunes are running in the background.  My roommate and I read "From Nyet to Da" to each other while preparing or cleaning after dinner.

Many times, I start reading 3 articles at the same time (to clarify, they are in 3 separate tabs).  I bounce between them, based on their length and reading level/depth of thought.  Within the past year, I have forced myself to FINISH one before starting another, in order to develop better self-discipline.

The following link is a video of a cross-country runner who struggled to finish her race because of severe leg pain.  Just before she reached the finish line, she collapsed on the ground.  So close!  BUT here's the amazing thing -- she pulled herself up and finished the race by crawling.  

She couldn't finish the race by simply laying there and wishing herself across the remaining 5 m.  Nor did she have the stamina to stand on her legs (by the time she stood up, she might as well have stepped over the finish line).  Yet she did the only thing possible at that moment -- crawl.  

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/runner-crawls-across-the-finish-line-23309759

So many things in life I want to finish, and finish well.   First semester for this school year finishes in a couple weeks, and I have a lot of knowledge to pass along to my students.  I don't know if I will be here in Ukraine next year (I still need to make my decision), or if I will be back home in MD, or if I will be somewhere else in the US.  No matter what it takes, I want to finish things well and make sure things are complete.

A few weeks ago, while attempting to write my personal mission statement, I reread the following verse:

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6, NIV)

I cannot carry ministries on to completion.  I cannot follow and guide all of my ministry students (Wolly quizzing or KCA students) through their high school years and daily challenge them in their walk with Christ.  I cannot finish the work here in Ukraine.

I cannot complete God's work in me, by my own power.  There's no way I can make myself whole, or ensure God-type success in the endeavors God leads my way.

But here's the amazing thing -- whatever it is that GOD has purposed for my life, the life He's given me, HE will complete.   What God starts, God finishes.  This isn't like my website-hopping -- God will stick with me, walking me through the good times and the bad, the crystal-clear times and the murky uncertain times.  Quite often, I muddle through life, trying to figure out the next step, but it's because I want to rely on what I know, what I think is best, what friends or books say, what's familiar or comfortable for me.

If only I could see the big picture of what God's intended for my life, and what the next step is...to find out how to begin...All I can do is simply crawl in the lap of Jesus and trust....this is a lesson that I am constantly relearning.....



Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

(Downhere, "Great are You")

Lessons learned as a temporary mother

This week I have been staying with a family of 5 while their parents are out of the country.  My responsibilities have included reheating or preparing food, tucking the youngest boys into bed, making sure lunches are packed, homework is completed, entertaining the youngest boys, administering meds, and otherwise maintaining order and mediating.  The kids are 7, 11, 13, 17, and 19, so I only really need to keep tabs on the elementary school-age boys.

I watched this family last month, and it was definitely a learning experience!  I learned that for missionary families overseas, there is so much that goes into the process of raising their kids.  I consider myself to be a flexible person, and don't mind getting slightly lost/misguided as long as I have my atlas and can get back on track.  However, when you're with a 7-year old and an 11-year old, you have to plan your path, determining in advance where you will walk and which buses you will take (because they won't want to take the scenic route).  On top of all this, my preferred walking pace is at least twice that of a little kid, so I had to slow down.  For some families, their kids have special medical needs and require supplies that can either be found only in America or at high prices where they live (or perhaps both).

After the first weekend of watching just 3 of the kids, I was ready to get back to my own house, away from my students and away from any children that would ask me unending questions.  Back to a place where I was only responsible for myself.

Now, I am back with this family, and thought I'd share some of my thoughts with the blog-reading world!

When you are a parent, personal space and personal time cease to exist.  Each day I rode in the van with the kids, and would try to snatch moments of time when the kids were not asking something or otherwise requiring my attention (i.e., picking on each other, standing when they weren't supposed to, or asking for homework help).  In the evenings, after putting the boys to bed, I still stayed up for a while until the other kids went to bed around 10; one of my thoughts was, "Two kids are in bed--but there are still three more that are awake!"  Even in the middle of the night, when I am asleep, I don't necessarily have "personal time", as the 7 year old might come in, saying he had a bad dream.  At any given moment, something is required of me.  Therefore, any purely alone moments I have are precious (especially since I'm an introvert)!! (Does this mean that the space-time continuum ceases to continue?)

Growing up, I lived with a maximum of 4 others in the house--my grandparents, mom, and brother.  Right now, there are six of us in this house.  In the van, because there were more people than seatbelts (welcome to Ukraine), I often had kids squished next to me, and would choose a window seat for this very reason.  Yesterday morning, the 7 year old was using my lap as a place to keep his "I Spy" book open.

Parenthood, in my inexperienced view, makes you less selfish.  If not, then something is wrong.  Parenthood requires you to be responsible for meeting the basic needs (food, rest, medication, peace, affirmation) of other human beings other than yourself.

Food/Medication:  These are obvious enough.  Older kids can get their own food from the fridge, but younger kids need you to prepare/reheat it.  Some kids need medications, so it's important to administer this on a regular basis.

Affirmation: I've learned--this time through my own experience and not just through educational psychology--that kids need to be positively affirmed.  If they are constantly being told, "No, you are not allowed to do this" or "No, not right now" or "No, we're not going there today," they will be less likely to listen to your directions and otherwise respond to you.  This, of course, does not mean swinging to the other extreme and being indulgent--letting them do whatever they want when they want and not respecting your authority as an adult/parent.  Rather, showing positive attention to kids, allowing them to make a choice between two good options, affirming them when they make a good choice, and interacting with them and not ignoring them, will help them to feel affirmed and loved.

Peace:  We all face conflict in our lives, some caused by circumstances and some caused by others.  With little kids, this usually includes fights over toys, using computers, and the use of their time (doing things they may or may not want to do).  I've done a lot of mediating and collaborating this weekend, mostly between the kids when they argue or when the kids have to do homework.

A lot goes into raising a family, especially when there are five of them and one of them has special medical needs!  Parenting--or, faux-parenting for right now--will make me less selfish, a process that I know will begin (in-depth, 24/7) anyway when I am in a marriage relationship.  All I know is that I need to be fully dependent on Christ and walking closely with Him if I expect to show a Christlike example to kids.

Proverbs/sayings

Ukrainian Proverbs
You don't really see the world if you only look through your own window.

To see a friend no road is too long.

Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse.

Russian Proverbs
Make peace with man and war with your sins
Go Godward, you will find a road.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

Things I've Learned Lately

1.  Airborne (or even the generic equivalent) is some pretty potent-tasting stuff.  You're supposed to use 8 oz of water to dissolve it, but rather, I just do a third of my glass (just under 200 mL).  The less I need to chug, the better.  I refuse to dissolve it in soda or juice, because then I will just associate that with the nasty lemon-lime Airborne.  Hopefully I'm on the up-and-up, and if not, I've got most of this weekend to recover.

2.  After Fall Retreat, as one might expect with 112 people together all weekend, running around, playing games, etc., many people are sick.  Add injuries from soccer this week, and about half my geometry class was sick or injured.

3.  Pomegranates can be sour.  The other day I ate one, and had to have water nearby because the little seeds/fruits were so sour!  I gave some to a student, who proceeded to sputter and cough as she left the room for water.  "I promise I'm not trying to kill you," I told her.  "Yeah, right," she replied between her coughs.

Favorite Summer Books/Movies

I'll add to this list as I read more books. Here's just a taste...

Leviathan, by Scott Westerfeld. This takes place just after the archduke of Austria was assassinated, but has an element of sci-fi/fantasy, along with fictional/non-historical characters. In this novel, the Germans and Austrians use "Clanker" technology--zeppelins and airplanes and tanks, of course, plus "Walkers". Walkers are huge machines that, well, walk on 2 legs, and can hold about 3-4 people plus some cargo. The British, on the other hand, are "Darwinists", and this doesn't refer to an ideology. Rather, their war machines aren't machines but living creatures. These creatures are fully contained ecosystems. Instead of a zeppelin, they have a huge whale-type creature, with glowworms providing light as needed, bats that emit projectiles, etc.

The storyline follows the archduke's son on the run after his parents were killed, and a British girl posing as a boy in order to take part in the war effort. Eventually, their paths cross in Europe, as the war is beginning to intensify, and .... I'll leave the rest for later. If I didn't know there was a sequel, I'd be mighty dissatisfied with the ending, as it left much unsaid.

Tea with Hezbollah, by Ted Dekker and Carl Medearis. These two guys go to the Middle East and ask America's enemies questions like, "What makes you laugh? What makes you cry?" They also ask these leaders about Jesus, the parable of the Good Samaritan, and Christ's command to "Love your enemies," in a quest to find today's Samaritan (disenfranchised, on the edge of society, perception that they can do nothing right). Highly recommended.

Russian Journal, by Andrea Lee. She and her husband spent a year in Moscow in 1978, and this book tells the stories of the Russians they befriended and their experiences in Soviet Russia. I enjoyed the background of things like the ринок (rynok/farmer's market) and тапочки (tapochki/slippers provided at the door), which very likely is the same for Ukraine today. Some of the stories they told of basic daily life reminded me of aspects of life in Ukraine, though today goods (especially Western ones) aren't as scarce. It was eye-opening to hear more about their experience with the KGB and how the people lived in a constant state of being wary of others, especially for those who wanted to emigrate to the West.

An Intimate Understanding of America's Teenagers: Shaking Hands with Aliens, by Bruce Gevirtzman. The author draws upon decades of experience as a high school speech teacher, offering insight into the lives of his students. At times, he offers explanations from a teen's perspective--obtained simply by asking his students! He provides advice directed at teachers, parents, and teenagers at the end of each chapter.

Other Books:

Peculiar Treasures (Katie Weldon book #1), by Robin Jones Gunn