Finishing

I want to be known as someone who finishes, and who finishes well.

For a simple example, I multi-task quite often, in an attempt to finish my tasks more quickly.  While working on my laundry (hanging it to dry or putting it away), I might listen to an audiobook or sermon podcast.  My internet browser frequently has tabs for Facebook, Gmail, and at least two other websites open at the same time, while Skype and iTunes are running in the background.  My roommate and I read "From Nyet to Da" to each other while preparing or cleaning after dinner.

Many times, I start reading 3 articles at the same time (to clarify, they are in 3 separate tabs).  I bounce between them, based on their length and reading level/depth of thought.  Within the past year, I have forced myself to FINISH one before starting another, in order to develop better self-discipline.

The following link is a video of a cross-country runner who struggled to finish her race because of severe leg pain.  Just before she reached the finish line, she collapsed on the ground.  So close!  BUT here's the amazing thing -- she pulled herself up and finished the race by crawling.  

She couldn't finish the race by simply laying there and wishing herself across the remaining 5 m.  Nor did she have the stamina to stand on her legs (by the time she stood up, she might as well have stepped over the finish line).  Yet she did the only thing possible at that moment -- crawl.  

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/runner-crawls-across-the-finish-line-23309759

So many things in life I want to finish, and finish well.   First semester for this school year finishes in a couple weeks, and I have a lot of knowledge to pass along to my students.  I don't know if I will be here in Ukraine next year (I still need to make my decision), or if I will be back home in MD, or if I will be somewhere else in the US.  No matter what it takes, I want to finish things well and make sure things are complete.

A few weeks ago, while attempting to write my personal mission statement, I reread the following verse:

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6, NIV)

I cannot carry ministries on to completion.  I cannot follow and guide all of my ministry students (Wolly quizzing or KCA students) through their high school years and daily challenge them in their walk with Christ.  I cannot finish the work here in Ukraine.

I cannot complete God's work in me, by my own power.  There's no way I can make myself whole, or ensure God-type success in the endeavors God leads my way.

But here's the amazing thing -- whatever it is that GOD has purposed for my life, the life He's given me, HE will complete.   What God starts, God finishes.  This isn't like my website-hopping -- God will stick with me, walking me through the good times and the bad, the crystal-clear times and the murky uncertain times.  Quite often, I muddle through life, trying to figure out the next step, but it's because I want to rely on what I know, what I think is best, what friends or books say, what's familiar or comfortable for me.

If only I could see the big picture of what God's intended for my life, and what the next step is...to find out how to begin...All I can do is simply crawl in the lap of Jesus and trust....this is a lesson that I am constantly relearning.....



Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

(Downhere, "Great are You")

Lessons learned as a temporary mother

This week I have been staying with a family of 5 while their parents are out of the country.  My responsibilities have included reheating or preparing food, tucking the youngest boys into bed, making sure lunches are packed, homework is completed, entertaining the youngest boys, administering meds, and otherwise maintaining order and mediating.  The kids are 7, 11, 13, 17, and 19, so I only really need to keep tabs on the elementary school-age boys.

I watched this family last month, and it was definitely a learning experience!  I learned that for missionary families overseas, there is so much that goes into the process of raising their kids.  I consider myself to be a flexible person, and don't mind getting slightly lost/misguided as long as I have my atlas and can get back on track.  However, when you're with a 7-year old and an 11-year old, you have to plan your path, determining in advance where you will walk and which buses you will take (because they won't want to take the scenic route).  On top of all this, my preferred walking pace is at least twice that of a little kid, so I had to slow down.  For some families, their kids have special medical needs and require supplies that can either be found only in America or at high prices where they live (or perhaps both).

After the first weekend of watching just 3 of the kids, I was ready to get back to my own house, away from my students and away from any children that would ask me unending questions.  Back to a place where I was only responsible for myself.

Now, I am back with this family, and thought I'd share some of my thoughts with the blog-reading world!

When you are a parent, personal space and personal time cease to exist.  Each day I rode in the van with the kids, and would try to snatch moments of time when the kids were not asking something or otherwise requiring my attention (i.e., picking on each other, standing when they weren't supposed to, or asking for homework help).  In the evenings, after putting the boys to bed, I still stayed up for a while until the other kids went to bed around 10; one of my thoughts was, "Two kids are in bed--but there are still three more that are awake!"  Even in the middle of the night, when I am asleep, I don't necessarily have "personal time", as the 7 year old might come in, saying he had a bad dream.  At any given moment, something is required of me.  Therefore, any purely alone moments I have are precious (especially since I'm an introvert)!! (Does this mean that the space-time continuum ceases to continue?)

Growing up, I lived with a maximum of 4 others in the house--my grandparents, mom, and brother.  Right now, there are six of us in this house.  In the van, because there were more people than seatbelts (welcome to Ukraine), I often had kids squished next to me, and would choose a window seat for this very reason.  Yesterday morning, the 7 year old was using my lap as a place to keep his "I Spy" book open.

Parenthood, in my inexperienced view, makes you less selfish.  If not, then something is wrong.  Parenthood requires you to be responsible for meeting the basic needs (food, rest, medication, peace, affirmation) of other human beings other than yourself.

Food/Medication:  These are obvious enough.  Older kids can get their own food from the fridge, but younger kids need you to prepare/reheat it.  Some kids need medications, so it's important to administer this on a regular basis.

Affirmation: I've learned--this time through my own experience and not just through educational psychology--that kids need to be positively affirmed.  If they are constantly being told, "No, you are not allowed to do this" or "No, not right now" or "No, we're not going there today," they will be less likely to listen to your directions and otherwise respond to you.  This, of course, does not mean swinging to the other extreme and being indulgent--letting them do whatever they want when they want and not respecting your authority as an adult/parent.  Rather, showing positive attention to kids, allowing them to make a choice between two good options, affirming them when they make a good choice, and interacting with them and not ignoring them, will help them to feel affirmed and loved.

Peace:  We all face conflict in our lives, some caused by circumstances and some caused by others.  With little kids, this usually includes fights over toys, using computers, and the use of their time (doing things they may or may not want to do).  I've done a lot of mediating and collaborating this weekend, mostly between the kids when they argue or when the kids have to do homework.

A lot goes into raising a family, especially when there are five of them and one of them has special medical needs!  Parenting--or, faux-parenting for right now--will make me less selfish, a process that I know will begin (in-depth, 24/7) anyway when I am in a marriage relationship.  All I know is that I need to be fully dependent on Christ and walking closely with Him if I expect to show a Christlike example to kids.

It's about time for an update...

Hi to all who actually read this thing,

I figured it was about time for me to reflect on what has been going on in my life lately.

Student Teaching
On Friday, I finished teaching at Atlantic. In the morning, I thought I wouldn't really miss it, but in retrospect, I miss the students and some of the teachers.
My classes included 2 sections of 8th grade pre-algebra, 1 section of algebra 1 (8th grade), and I was supposed to teach a 7th grade math class on the last day, but that never happened, unfortunately.
Yes, it was crazy at times; yes, I need to improve on my classroom management skills; yes, I know that I cannot teach math as abstractly as I can understand. Now that I have this semester (or rather, these 12 weeks) with new ideas and new understandings of old ideas under my belt, I'm ready to implement what I've learned.

Ukraine
This next school year, I will be returning to Ukraine to teach math at Kiev Christian Academy!!! I'll be with the middle/high school students, but I'm not sure which classes I'll have just yet. During the summer, I'll be traveling to churches in MD/DE/PA/WV to raise the $10,000-$12,000 that will be used to pay for my expenses while I am there (KCA does not pay a salary). For more info you can check out http://web.nazarene.org/goto/ukrainejh, and I am working on a Ukraine blog.

Finishing Up ENC Life
During the past few days being back on campus for most of the day, I've not really known what to do with myself. I can stay up late and sleep in because I don't really have to be anywhere until lunchtime. However, I know that I have plenty of schoolwork to do -- my Education portfolio is due next Friday, I have an adolescent psychology test to take, and I have to work on things for my independent study.
It's been strange being back in the middle of the day, and it's almost like reverse culture shock. I've been out of the loop for so long about things, or I've heard about events through the grapevine. ENC is a different world from Atlantic--in fact, ENC is a bit of a bubble when it comes to knowing what's going on in the world!
People have asked if I would spend my free weeks at home, but these are my last few weeks with my ENC friends/family--I want to make every moment count!

Of Challenges, Falling Down, and Skiing

We all face challenges in life. Whether they include deaths of loved ones, questions about relationships, discouragements, uncertainties about the future, or any others, we all have to respond to challenges in our lives; we cannot grow without challenges.

"Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."" (John 12:24-25)

In this passage, Jesus is explaining (albeit in codes and parables) that he must die for the benefit of many others. His death on the cross was the whole reason for his being on earth, and was what would glorify God. It may not have been what he would've liked, but it was God's calling for His life, and Jesus wanted to do what would please God, not humankind or himself.

On New Year's Day, I went skiing in Pennsylvania with my dad. We skiied for about 5 hours total (a few hours before lunch, then a couple hours after), which was actually the same amount of time I slept the night before. For the first time, I went on a black diamond slope, which is usually deemed to be among the most difficult on a particular mountain, and usually I only ski on intermediate slopes. "Black Diamond trails tend to be steep (typically 40% and up) and may or may not be groomed"(Wikipedia). I think that the mountains I've skiied on in Vermont and New Hampshire have been bigger and steeper than the one I'm used to in PA, so I have probably already skiied on a black-diamond equivalent. When I first went down Exhibition, I was amazed that it qualified as a black-diamond slope -- then it got steep, and I reconsidered.

When I ski, I tend to keep track of how many times I fall. I feel accomplished when I don't fall too many times. I skiied on this particular black diamond slope about 4 times, and fell twice on those. Another time I fell on an "easier" intermediate slope -- yeah, yeah, I know -- and other times I would fall because people *almost* ran into me or I *almost* ran into them. Toward the end of the day, I just started falling more and more because I was getting tired. Eventually, I decided that I should probably stop, since I wasn't going to gain any more energy, and I was just going to further damage my record of only falling about 5 times that day.

Sometimes I fell because I turned too sharply. Sometimes I fell because others almost hit me, and it made me nervous having too many people skiing around me. Toward the end of the day, I fell because I was tired and wasn't making as much of an effort to keep my balance.

Each time I fell down, I had two options: to keep laying there in the same place, or to get back up again. Or to keep tumbling down the mountain--that was also an option depending on how I fell. I'll admit, once I realized that I was getting tired, it actually felt nice to just stay sitting or laying on the slope for just a minute or two. However, I was a potential hazard to myself and to others coming down the slope...I didn't want to be run over.

We all fall down in life. Some people fall more often than others, for different reasons. The important thing is to get up again. Yes, you do have the options of continuing to tumble down the mountain or to stay in the same place and "enjoy" resting on the cold wet snow, but those are just plain hazardous.

By skiing a few times on an "expert" slope, I hope that it will help me become a better skiier. I would not become a better skiier just by resigning myself to the intermediate or "bunny" slopes.

I cannot be satisfied staying down when I am challenged. If I fall, I have to get back up, and Christ will help me not to fall again. Getting back into the swing of things, i.e., reading God's Word and worshiping and praying, after you've been challenged, is a challenge (for lack of a better term). I also cannot try to avoid all challenges and live a life of smooth sailing -- it's not possible. Following Christ isn't meant to be easy -- "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." (Luke 9:23-24). Our life is not our own.

Next time we are challenged, we will stand strong with the help of God and others. If we fall, we will help each other stand again. God is faithful to finish the work He began in us.

almighty
surround my universe
fill me with peace
represent Christ through opportunity

2008 in Review

Overall highlights:

Travels:
Vermont
El Paso x2
Chicago x2
Ukraine
Unintended overnight stays in Warsaw, Poland and Fishkill, NY.
Newark, DE to visit Anne!
Lancaster, PA to hang out with Olivia

New Experiences:
Lots of snowmobiling!
Swing dancing
Learning Russian and a smidgen of Ukrainian
Running over the universal joint of a bus (and subsequently damaging my car)
Surprise weekend visit to my family
Catering on campus (and getting to enjoy tasty food)
Ninja tag, Ultimate Frisbee, short runs on Wolly Beach in the middle of the night
Michael W Smith / Steven Curtis Chapman concert
Red Sox game @ Camden Yards

Goodbyes:
Professors that moved (Doc/Prof to Chicago, Prof Fiacco to TX)
Mrs. Quimby, high school AP Calc teacher. You will be missed.
ENC Class of 2008
old Marley Park church building

Ukraine (gets its own section):
Meeting Charly and inhaling hot glue fumes (by accident!) and good times all night long on the deck. Exploring Kiev. Traveling by overnight train. Building relationships with families. Blowing bubbles with Katya and playing catch with Sveta. Playing with 3 year old twin boys who seemed to get in trouble all the time. Facing suffering, and finding that worship is the only feasible response. Attended a Ukrainian wedding and reception. Running over a tire-stopper-block (for semi trucks), but this time I wasn't driving! Seeing the end of the line for banana boxes of humanitarian aid. VBS's all around. Going to the Vapnyarka bazaar and meat market on my birthday. Using squatty potties. Eating dried fish, salo, and chicken-flavored potato chips. Tumbleweed Gulch Ukrainian-style. God keeping us safe throughout our travels.

Spiritual highlights:
Got baptized.
Trying to figure out if God is calling me to missions.
Having more questions than answers (not really a highlight, not sure how to describe it).

Academic highlights:
Declared a religion minor.
Education Club activities
Finishing all my major classes (only student teaching and an independent study left!)

Next year is going to bring just as many changes, I'm sure.
Ready or not, here I come, 2009!

Summer 2008 Adventures

I was just thinking about this summer and the wide array of experiences I've had...

~running over the universal joint of a bus while traveling home from school
~substitute teaching
~traveling to Ukraine
~trying to learn Russian
~playing with kids and leading/helping with VBS's
~navigating Kiev's public transport system and the streets
~learning about trusting God: "It's okay, you can trust Me"
~hanging out in El Paso for a few extra days
~speaking Russian to 2 ladies at the Outlets! YES! (I didn't understand everything they said, though.
~babysitting Sarah, Hannah, and Dia
~spending 4 days in Chicago/Bourbonnais with my teammates from last summer
~taking a taxi at 11pm because we missed the last bus to the hotel by 5 hours
~seeing the Red Sox play at Camden Yards
~getting baptized
~having a yard sale (I made only $41.75, but hey, that's something)
~trying to speak Spanish to people that came to our yard sale, and trying to understand my neighbor's mother's Hungarian....when all the while my Russian was trying to fight its way out of me....I found myself speaking Spanish slower, and trying to use Russian to speak to the Hungarian lady. I did, however, recognize the word for school! YES!
~observing at my old high school

whatever, God.

You know, I must say I needed that reminder tonight....

Every week, on Wednesday nights, I try to go to Wolly's youth group, where a number of my quizzers are. It lets me see them again, and see how they interact with the others in the group, and see what they are being taught.

Tonight, I debated about going. You know, homework, studying for an exam, and just plain relaxing in my room for an hour and a half. Not to mention, I feel like I just sit there and don't make any major contributions to the group. With that in mind, why go? Will it make a difference to those teens if I go? Wouldn't I have the same effect on them if I just stayed in my room?

I chose to go. When I got there, they were playing Birds on a Perch, so I sat next to Michelle and watched the game (quite entertaining sometimes). We then watched Rich, a Nooma video, and discussed our wealth and blessedness, and how we are saved to bless others. It's not just about us holding onto our wealth (we truly are rich compared to the rest of the world. remember the YIM training camp poverty meal), but about us using what we have to bless others.

Ally shared a story about a missions trip she took to Orlando. The first day she was there, she tore her ACL (?) and could not participate in any of the projects. She was rather disgruntled that she had come all that way to make a difference, but had to lay in bed all day. (She did try to help out, but that just made the problem worse.) When she returned home, she got an email from one of the maintenence guys at the elementary school where her team helped. He told her she had been an "angel" and had just encouraged him (and probably a number of others) through her words, because that's what she had to offer.

It reminded me of this summer. We handed out flyers, we invited people to church, we invited kids to play basketball, we hung out with kids at the parks. Did we always see results right away? Not always, but sometimes, yes. Did we get frustrated, and not feel like doing whatever it was again? Yes.

But did God still use us? Yes. He encouraged the pastors. He gave us great friends in Mexico and El Paso. He brought kids in contact with the churches. He used us to encourage the congregations in music (whether we were singing Battle Hymn of the Republic or Tu Eres Mi Respirar), in our service (painting a Sunday School room), or in just hanging out with our friends in the youth group who will be the future leaders.

I may not teach in Wolly's youth group. I may not lead games. I may not be remembered by half the kids. But for the kids that I have met (Corrine, Wes, Abi, and my quizzers)--well, I just hope that God will use me however He wants, and I will remain available in whatever way. Whether that means I actually connect with the teens this year in a substantial way, or whether I teach the college age Sunday School class, or whether I can chaperone for a one day kids' missions event--whatever it is God has for me, I want to do, and not to have things my own way. "But, God! I really wanted to do this kids' missions event! And I have to travel HOME!?! WHY!?! This is a one-time thing.......I'm glad I went home."

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just

Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God, whatever

So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do

(chorus)

I am not my own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "Whatever")

Being a college student is fun. Most of the time.

I am 99% finished my 10 lesson plans for Ed Psych. All I have to do "tomorrow" is tweak one a bit, do some formatting, and then print it to hand in. After that, I'm done most of my work!

At about 1 am, I decided that I needed to get the oxygen moving in my body again, so I ran around the front lawn twice. Where else can you do crazy things like that except at college?

Next week before I take my finals, I have to do some Arts and Music papers, study for Linear, and study for Christian Tradition. Then I'm DONE!!!!

I can't wait for the end of the semester to really be here, because it means I will be moving out of the dorm and into the KP's house for the rest of the month. I won't have any homework to do, but will be able to read FUN books again! I'll put that reading list up shortly.

On May 29th, I will be heading to Kansas City for my YOUTH IN MISSION trip to Mexico!!!!!!!!! I honestly haven't had time to be excited, or at least I haven't allowed myself time, due to school stresses. Not to mention, I've been trying to practice my Spanish, work on figuring out how to raise the money for the trip (but that's all done now! Yay God! Thank you for providing for me!), and a whole host of other things. Maybe the rest of this month will be a nice time of relaxing and preparing!

Last weekend was quizzing Regionals, and the short summary of the weekend is this: crazy, intense, stressful, fun, and we stayed in a sketchy hotel. But that's another story for another blog.

It's almost 2 am. I need to go to bed! I'm a little loopy right now, in case you can't tell. At least I can sleep in tomorrow till who knows when.

(yes I know I just typed this blog after writing about 7 pages of a paper, but I really just needed to do SOMETHING before I went to bed. it's a really pointless entry, I'll admit.)

unity!

Remember "one in heart and mind"?

Let's live it.

(from my favorite Christmas song)
O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.

I don't quite get how two people in ministry type positions can have such a falling-out that neither really cares for the other anymore. It doesn't seem to be right, to be a role model but not be striving for unity within the leadership group. It doesn't seem fair that if one of those we are leading is struggling with the same kind of friendship issue but wants things to turn out well, they would have to see a broken role model. Yet humans are broken and fallen people. I know that is what causes that, but it just doesn't seem right.

I am very much like Jane Bennet in Pride & Prejudice, who wants to believe only good of those she knows. (Elizabeth speaking to Jane) "Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. You never see a fault in anybody. All the world are good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in your life."
I see the good in others for the most part, ignoring their negative qualities, and still treating them as a decent person. It's not till someone points out the negative qualities and what they mean that I notice flaws in others. At this point, I still treat the person the same, but possibly with a bit of skepticism/curiousity in my thoughts.

things I've learned lately

1. Never do one of those AOL "free trials."
2. Quizmastering all day while you're sick is not good for your throat/voice.
3. Catholic mass was not in as high a style as I thought it'd be, nor was Mary overemphasized--at least at this parish anyway.
4. If in a large group of people, I will not easily talk to the whole group, but if there is someone that knows someone I do, I will go and talk to them, once somebody points them out to me.

things I've learned

Things I've learned during Fall Semester 06:
~There often exist no happy mediums in Munro--it's either really warm or really cold.
~Prof Shea is my mother's cousin's roommate's sister.
~Boston truly is a rather small and easily navigated city (at least on foot).
~People are growing up and making me feel old.
~The Silver Line bus has to switch from electric to motor power at Silver Line Way, which is why it stops there.
~Friendships require work.
~how to better manage my time
~If you have a book to read for class, and it's a classic, chances are you can find it in the library and save yourself a few bucks.

Things I'm still trying to figure out:
~LIFE.

That's about it for now.